Reality Bites

So, recently in my blog I have tried to mix some blogs that resemble articles into my normal fare of autobiographical stories, and I have received a few compliments on them. In this tradition I've been thinking of a few things I'd like to write about that I think may be interesting or funny, maybe even both (or neither). The article today chronicles my concepts for new reality shows that could turn out to be huge hits. I kinda got my idea to write about this from a recent episode of The Surreal Life in which they actually had a competition to pitch the best ideas to the executives of VH1. I hope you enjoy my ideas. (STRONG NOTE: The following ideas are merely meant for entertainment purposes. Especially the third idea - while mean, is merely a joke brought about by hours of watching TV in my current state of unemployment. Do not take anything said here too seriously)

IDEA 1 - My Big Fat Obnoxious Hobo?

So, how many of you ever saw the classic reality hit My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance? Well, this show takes the concept of actors pretending to be contestants on a reality show to new levels. It's actually very similar to the show who it stole its name from, but with a few very interesting twists.

So, the producers of the show choose a down and out bum off the street and ask him if he's like to be in a reality series. To make things really interesting they'd make sure he's a hardcore drinker and maybe even hardcore drug abuser. He gets wisked away to a giant mansion and is told that he will have to team up with a beautiful woman to fool her parents into believing that they have been dating and are to be married. He is told that her parents believe the show is a ripoff of "A Wedding Story" on TLC, and will merely be an expose on the entire wedding process. All he has to do is make it to the wedding without her family calling the whole thing off and he gets a million dollars and a free bottle of wine every day for a year. Seems simple, right?

Well, this show features everything that makes reality based TV great. First, we have the "makeover" part, where his dirty smelly bum ass is made to seem rich and cultured (oh, did I mention her parents think he's an investment banker from Wall Street?). Then the parents come in, and the hilarity really ensues. One episode features the fiance's drunk uncle trying to sneak coke and liquor to the bum during a family get together, and he's been told doing either will ruin his chances on the show. Another episode features her Dad's friend, who happens to be a real investment banker, golfing with the bum while asking the bum all kinds of work related questions that he can't answer. In another episode, the fiance's hot 18 year old twin cousins try to seduce our lucky bum (keep in mind this bum is so poor he can't afford a $5 hooker). The possibilities are nearly endless!

Along comes the wedding and as the ceremony is coming to a close the father calls the whole thing off, as it turns out the whole time every other person featured on the show are in fact actors paid to make the bum squirm. Unlike the original show however, the bum is never told of his unfair setup, as he is put back on the streets and cannot afford a television to watch the secret unfold.

IDEA 2 - Who's your Diva?

This reality show relies heavily on star power for its premise to work. Well, not real star power, but tabloid celebrity power. The two hosts of the show are Cris Judd (former hubby of that girl from the block, J-Lo) and Kevin Federline (by the time production begins the former hubby of hit me one more time Britney Spears). The premise is as follows...

Cris and Kevin are way bummed by being kicked to the curb by their much more famous wives. They decide to join together and produce a new reality show in which other men get the chance to follow their own dreams of sharing a joint bank account with a pop star. Sixteen of the country's best dancers compete for the right to go on tour with Christina Aguilera, which in turn would certainly lead to banging her, and maybe more! The contestants will be judged on all the qualities that make back-up dancers great (great dancer moves, rhythm, submissiveness, retarded looking goatee, tatoos, and that extremely ghetto look in a white trash body that only pop stars can appreciate).

The two final contestants will have a face to face dance off, and this competition will be no holds barred! In the tradition of stupid reality props the last man standing will be chosen by Christina by putting a giant gold chain around his neck, and the hosts will proclaim, "Now our winner can explore all of Christina's hidden piercings!"

IDEA 3 - Is Love Really Blind?

This show might actually start tomorrow on Fox, who knows. So, basically you have this horrendously ugly girl, like horse face meets the crypt keeper, and she is the prize on a reality dating show. But who would go for a such girl? No, not the rejects of Average Joe, but instead 16 blind guys! The catch is that they are never actually allowed to feel her face during the selection process (hell, they can't even grab her wrist, ah la Ray Charles). To keep people from being disturbed by looking at the ugly girl (think of watching Melissa Rivers for more than 10 minutes) for several episodes the blind men and female host will be extremely attractive.

But anyway, in the end it turns out there is an extreme choice to be made! Once the final guy is chosen the host explains to him that there is a choice. He'll finally be allowed to feel her face, and if he doesn't still want to be with her he'll be given the chance to take 500k. The ugly girl also is given a choice, if her man tells her that he still wants her she has to choose between him and the chance to be the next contestant on the popular show "The Swan." You won't find drama like this on TNT! This final episode may draw the biggest ratings ever.

So, there you have it, the ways that I would change the face (pun intended!) of reality television. If anyone who reads this blog happens to be a network producer, well, know that I'll see you in court if you start production without me. To all the rest of you, good bye for now.