Tales from LA

While this blog is going to outline some stories that the night manager at Dollar Bill told me last week about his experiences as an LA bartender, I'm actually going to start out by announcing yet another internet appearance I will be making rather shortly.

In addition to Webshots, the facebook, and even Collegehumor.com, I am now going to have some credit given to me on ESPN.com. No, not for stripping, but for an email I sent to the college football writer explaining some inaccurate assumptions he made about Michigan's offensive line. Twice in a recent live chat he held on the site he mentioned Michigan's offense will be held back this year by an inexperiences O-line. Upon reading this I instantly thought that unless I was missing something he was grossly misinformed. After looking through Mgoblue.com I had all the evidence I needed to present my case in the form of an email. Basically my email stated that Baas is the only lineman to start a game last year to depart, and the returning competitors included 2 first-team all big ten performers and one 2nd team performer, hardly a suspect line. Without ever thinking I would get a response I found the following email yesterday afternoon:

I stand corrected, and will note as much in my next email column.
Thanks.

Ivan Maisel

I can't be completely sure that my name will be printed in the response, but I will undoubtedly keep my eye on Mr. Maisel's column for the next couple weeks. I may even break convention and post the link here in my blog.

Well, getting back on topic, I have a few rather interesting stories to pass along. This may actually be the first time in this blog that I am relaying a story that someone else told me, but I think under the current circumstances I'll let that little fact slide. So, the night manager at my place of employment's name is Mike J (the J is to distinguish from other Mike's working there), and prior to heading back to Ann Arbor he worked as a bartender in LA not all too long ago (I estimate his current age to be maybe 28-30 by the way). Based on the little that he had to say about the place I'm going to assume this place was more of a Mitch's than a Rick's, for those of you who read this who are old enough to remember what Mitch's is.

The beginning of the story I'm a little shaky on I'll admit, but here is my attempt to make sense out of how he told it. You all know Matthew Perry, right? Better known to some as Chandler from the hit sitcom Friends. Well, apparently on his way into the bar one night the owner of the joint notices him stumbling down the street wasted only God knows where and when and decides to pull over and ask him to come drink at his bar for awhile (obviously a great publicity stunt for the small seady bar I'm envisioning in my head). Being drunk and not one to turn down such an offer he gets in the guy's car and rides on over to the bar with him. Apparently right around closing time there are only maybe half a dozen people left in the bar, but they had all moved upstairs to the billards area. This is where Mike (and the point of the story) comes into the scene. He heads up to the area to do some normal closing activities and walks in on one of the weirder scenes he has ever encountered.

There, lying on the pool table, is a young girl completely naked, being serviced by none other than Mr. Perry himself. That by itself is not all that strange, but what is strange is how exactly he was servicing her. I can only imagine that she interrupted a very intense game, because Chandler's weapon of choice on her was a pool stick with a condom slapped on the end of it. This would make sense had he been pleasuring (?) her with the chalk side, but thinking about the prospects of that choice it would have certainly made more sense to give her the thick end. So from now on when anyone on an episode of Friends asks what exactly Chandler does for a living, all of you at home can rest assured that you know that he is in fact a professional pool player.

The second story Mike told lacked the star appeal of the first, but was worth retelling nonetheless. One night, again while closing/cleaning, Mike notices that someone had puked on the floor. In the middle of the puke is a solid object however, and upon further inspection he realizes that it's a roll of money. He cleans it off and pockets it before anyone else can claim his prize. After checking it later in the night he realizes that he hit a huge score, 32 bills, all $100. If you estimate it took him about one minute to recover the money, that's like making $192,000 an hour. Oddly enough, he knew of a fellow co-worker who blew that total away completely cleaning the bar another night. This guy found a little paper bag containing a half pound of coke with a stack of $20,000 cash. Despite lacking dental, being a bartender in LA proves to have great benefits. Yet another reason I'm proud to say I'm SoCal bound.