Trying to keep up with the times

As anyone who frequently reads the blog knows, I have been attempting to keep the blog fresh and new while still delivering on old topics promised in blogs from long ago. I know in my heart that the two remaining topics that I really need to mention - how I came about my housing situation and why I had to call my manager to say I'd be late due to drunkenness - are entertaining but overtold and boring for me to write about. I still fully intend to get to them, but not today.

The housing story especially is long and drawn out over several days and includes several vital elements to fully make sense, so I will wait until another time when it's not after midnight to start on that one. Something kinda crazy happened this past weekend also (another promised blog no doubt), but again, there is something I would prefer to do - write on a topic given to me on my new policy. Now, in all reality there has only been one submission (my roommate Tasos wants a story about how some girl he hooked up with ended up being crazy), but I may already have too much information on what actually happened to write about that specifically, so I decided to be especially creative and use what I have received most frequently the past few weeks - comments from bots - as my inspiration. Here is a true story about someone I know involving bots, so please enjoy. Oh, if you don't know what a bot is, it's any kind of screenname that doesn't actually belong to a person, but rather a computer programmed entity that is basically told to message anyone it can about some kind of offer or promotion. An example of course would be the bots that have commented on my blogs; another would be how on many chat programs/rooms of any kind it's common to log on and immediately get messages like...well, I'll let the story explain that part.

Well, where do I begin. I guess I should immediately establish that this story didn't happen to me directly, but rather an old friend that used to live by me in the dorms. Also, names may have been changed to protect the innocent, as this story could potentially be embarassing I suppose. Alright, enough intro, to the story I go.

Jared was sitting at his computer at about 11 PM on a Saturday night wondering what to look up next. He was often frustrated by his inability to find more than 3 or 4 websites to keep him entertained at a time, as sites like espn.com could only keep his interest for so long. An alternative always existed in sites like collegehumor.com, but whenever he went there he ended up playing some ridiculous flash game linked on the front page for hours at a time, not to mention that the content of the site often led him to search for keywords like webshots or nudity in hopes of securing a softcore pic of a real amatuer college chick. To put it quite frankly, he felt pathetic when looking at the site.

He continued to look inward for the answer when something right in front of his face jumped off of the screen at him. He often used "my yahoo" as a favorite place to start as it included one of his many email links as well as those funny news bulletins that run along the side of the page. There under the plentiful list of yahoo subdivisions he saw something that he hadn't really tried since back in the days of MIRC when he had a dial-up connection: online chat groups.

As quickly as the idea seemed great he suddenly remembered why he never used them. Most rooms were full of 3 things - clicky people that only talk to each other, bots with cute female names like mandyhotcakes37, and other lonely dudes like himself dreaming of the day they can find a cyber whore (more than likely dude pretending to be a chick) to talk them through a cyber hand-job. Alas, Jared had absolutely nothing else to do, so he dove right in and created a user account in a flash. He chose a manly enough that he was sure would not be mistaken for an aforementioned cyber-whore. After deciding to use the single 20 somethings dating room, BigGunsJared7 was ready for action.

As expected, upon arrival to the room he almost instantaneously received 2 messages from skany sounding names telling him to use the given link to see each respective girl in the shower (or whatever). Being bored he clicked the one link and a couple pop-ups featuring spread-eagle blondes eluded his blocker so he quickly closed all the windows and swore not to make the same mistake twice. Once he got back to the chat room he already has some dude asking him asl (age sex location for those ignorant readers out there) in a private chat window, and he simply wrote back...

BigGunsJared7: Read my name. Do you think I'm a girl? Did you even look at my name?

The guy quickly replied with a sorry and the chat window closed. This was why he didn't use these things. Jared decided to rebound by private chatting a few promising female names but he got no replies. Suddenly he heard a knock on his dorm room door. He was certain his roommate was to be gobe until late Sunday night, so it must have been someone from the hall. He hesitated for a second and contemplated shutting down the window with the chat room, but realized he would have to go back and sign back in all over again, and his hesitation was about to reach the "I was just beating off go away" kind of pause, so he yelled for the person to come on in.

It was this guy Andrew from down the hall, pretty cool but really obnoxious when in a crowd, always trying to impress everybody by being a huge ass toward all the other guys. He walked in and asked Jared if he could borrow he vacuum cleaner. Jared said sure as long as he brought it back the next day. In order to get to the vacuum Andrew had to walk between the back of Jared's desk and a dresser, putting Andrew right in plain view of Jared's screen. Not wanting to be suspicous, Jared just kept on using the chat service like nothing had happened at all. Andrew grabbed the vacuum and squeezed back out thanking Jared and assuring him it would be back by the next morning. As soon as he got out the door Jared let out a huge sigh of relief. It shouldn't be so embarassing, but stuff like that always is for some reason.

After the vacuum incident he went back to trying private chats for a few minutes before he finally gave up that approach for good. Next he tried messaging in the huge public chat window, but only the most hardcore users were getting any responses. He was about ready to give up on the whole idea when he got yet another bot message in a private chat window. It read...

cutiepieUP23: Are you bored? Looking for a girl? Want to have some fun?

Jared had seen one of these before. He assumed it was a bot because who actually starts a conversation like that, but his assumption was also aided by the fact that many bots begin like this, with a series of questions to make some unsuspecting guy believe he hit the jackpot only to reveal their true nature - they give out the web address only when a reply is given to the initial response. Jared was beginning to wonder how anybody at all could use these retarded sites. He decided to give the bot a response out of frustration that read...

BigGunsJared7: Yeah, I am bored, and yeah, I wouldn't mind a girl, but since you're a fucking computer program I seriously doubt you will be able to help me get it up very well so fuck off

cutiepieUP23: wtf are you talking about? Sorry to have bothered you

Jared stared at the screen. Huh? Was that a real person? He changed gears to the defensive and replied with...

BigGunsJared7: Wow, I'm really sorry. I thought you were another program trying to sell me sex sites. I hope you aren't mad, I just want someone to talk to also.

cutiepieUP23: lol! I've never actually used this thing before, I didn't realize that. But about selling sex...lol maybe I could do that anyway...

Again, Jared stared at the screen. Was there a leprechaun in the room, cause he had just struck gold! To make a long story short, a very flirtacious conversation ensued. He discovered that the UP in her name (her real one was Amanda by the way) stood for upper peninsula, and she was a sophomore at MSU. It all seemed a little coincidental that a girl from only an hour away was in the same chat room of an international site, but it was also pretty random that a girl actually messaged him on her own in the first place.

After some discussion it was decided that they should each give their AIM names to each other, as the program was far superior to yahoo's 20th century format. Jared also felt more comfortable with someone walking in on an AIM conversation as they were completely common place in a college dorm room. Upon further banter, Jared was beginning to think he was in love, or lust at the very least.

It was approaching 2 AM when he heard another faint knock at the door. Jared quickly responded with a 'come on in' and it was Andrew again, with the vacuum. He explained that he hadn't gone out that night and didn't see any reason to wait until the next day to return the vacuum if Jared was up. Amanda sent Jared a really dirty message at this point, and Andrew again seemed to look at the screen, but said nothing. When he once again left the room Jared was almost certain he could see a smirk on Andrew's face. Oh well, who cares if he read it, he would just say it was some ex girlfriend if anybody ever asked. By 4 AM Jared was getting especially tired and told Amanda he was looking forward to IMing her again the next day. She seemed more than willing to comply, and they finally ended their marathon of cyber chatter. Only an hour away Jared thought. The next thought in his mind was along the lines of how do I ask her for a picture of herself when I talk to her next...

To Be Continued...

Hope you all enjoyed the suspense built up by part one of "The Bot." If you want your own story in print, give a suggestion. I'll come back with part 2 the next chance I get. Later.