Just felt like putting something down

If anyone out there has begun to wonder where all the blogs went, I can tell you quite easily that they have all gone one of two places - 1. To the depths of my memory where nobody will ever know what happened or 2. If you see me on a regular basis, you probably already know exactly what happened to me. There are however a few loyal readers out there who do not see me regularly, therefore cannot hear the ridiculousness of what's been going on in my life, and for that I do apologize. I guess the problem that I've been having lately is that my misadventures are just starting to hit too close to home. I can hardly think of a single topic I want to write about that I wouldn't be too nervous that somebody would end up reading it and have their feelings hurt or be surprised. Also, as mentioned many many times before I've always attempted to keep my blog as free of emotional/personal shit as much as possible. Well, maybe today that'll change just a little itty bit.

Let me just start off by rehashing a blog I wrote way way back at the inception of this thing. One night I went out to Rick's and thought I saw a cute girl giving me the eye as she was getting her ID checked by the bouncer. Sure enough, a few cocktails later this girl actually came up to me and asked me to dance with her. After a few minutes I asked her if I could buy her a drink and she suddenly seemed to get uncomfortable and bailed on me. I ran into her later and asked her what the problem was and she told me that she had just ended a two year relationship and my offer was "too nice" because all she wanted was some jerk of a guy to have a one-night stand with. My extending a simple (and obviously common for a bar) courtesy had ruined my chances from the start. I am beginning to believe that this story set a bad precedent for every moment of my life since that drink offer.

Just as I had completed my sophomore year of college I realized that I had grossly underachieved in school and one day I remember sitting down and calculating what it would take to raise my GPA to a 3.5 before I graduated. I hadn't even come close to anticipating that the number would be 28 consecutive credits of all A's, or pretty much two semesters of flawless work. I normally wouldn't write about this because normally I find that talking about such accomplishments is pompous and unnecessary, but I guess I'm trying to prove a point (also, by means beyond my understanding, it seems that many people that I meet already know this information about me somehow anyway). I don't really remember there being a huge difference in what I did educationally the next couple years, but I just had this feeling inside me that the wager I had made with myself would carry me back to the levels at which I knew I could achieve. Something just felt right. I knew that I was doing something of merit, something to be proud about, and more than anything I felt like I could redeem myself in my own mind, which has always been my biggest critic. I eventually crushed my original goal of 28 credits. I began to feel as though I couldn't be stopped. I didn't get nervous for exams or stress over homework. In the end I had realed off 54 consecutive credits of all A's. For the first time in years I felt vindicated, but there was something else going on in my life that just wouldn't allow me to feel like the old Scott Seaman.

You see, during this whole time in which I had changed my academic fortunes, I had also changed my personal fortunes. For reasons not completely within my grasp, the way in which girls looked at me changed entirely. Unfortunately, this all came with a price. Most of you that read this know a lot about what transpired during this time period. While my adventures were often funny, random, and in some cases seemingly unbelievable, with every exploit I lost a part of who I was and who I truly want to be. Everybody, from the most arrogant prick to the most selfish bitch, typically assumes that they are good people on the inside no matter what. But what makes for a good person? At some point in all this I lost the ability to gauge what had become of me. I had done terrible things. Moreso than singular events, I had found ways to objectify people and manipulate them for whatever purposes I found to be necessary. While I was by no means some kind of monster, I had at times lost my way.

Immediately after I had graduated I had once again made a pact with myself to change my actions in order to regain what I had lost. This time the stakes were even higher though. As Cher puts it so well in the movie Clueless, I needed to "makeover my soul." As anybody could tell you, I have still managed to make some mistakes. Progress has been slow, but very good. I just never expected to pay such a huge price for my decision though. I feel guilty for making selfish decisions. I often feel used when I realize that the help that I've been so willing to offer was not appreciated as I had imagined it would be. I feel down on myself when my kind words for somebody else are never returned. More than anything though, I feel like my choice to be nice was a mistake when I hear that a drink offer ruined my chances...

Basically, the old saying "nice guys finish last" became a popular saying because it's pretty damn true. I feel like the big brother type to every girl I know. I feel as though certain tasks have become expected of me, and in turn they don't mean as much to people anymore. I feel like the main character in the new show What About Brian. Who caught the premiere episode? There's a scene where his best friend's girlfriend (whom Brian has a secret crush on) reminds him of what a great guy he is and why he's destined to meet the perfect girl. I've actually heard such speeches a few times just recently. It's tough to have to hear.

Don't get me wrong though, the whole point of this blog isn't to detract people from wanting to be nice. In fact, I hope the complete opposite. There are many things that stick out in my mind that I wouldn't want to give up. I love the look on a girl's face when I go to drop her off and she appears to want to lean over to give a hug in appreciation, but she realizes that hugging a person in the front seat of a car is an awkward and difficult proposition. I love the way everybody looks around at each other with a smile to seek the same approval they sense when I offer to buy everyone a round of drinks at Scorekeepers. I love when a drunk girl turns to her friend within my hearing range and blatantly states what a nice person I am. I love the confused look I get when complimenting a girl on something that she probably would never expect any guy to notice.

In fact, the more I think about it, the way people interact with each other bothers me more and more. Friendship has somehow become no more than a free pass to insult each other and get laughs at each others' expense. People look to their friends in their times of need, but rarely acknowledge what that means to them. If you've actually made it this far in this ultimate rant of a blog, take this one bit away. If you can overcome the natural fear of putting yourself out in the open, take a chance and tell your friends how much you appreciate them. Tell them how you feel about them, or why you enjoy hanging out with them. Tell them about a quality they have that you admire. These are our friends, why are we always so afraid to express ourselves? I know from the experience of doing such things that getting a positive response in return isn't always so easy, people are just scared. I can only hope that if enough people follow this kind of advice that this type of behavior wouldn't be so unexpected. Or in the very least I hope that I wouldn't lose the chance for sex because I offered $4.50 for a drink at a bar.