So real it's funny...

I'm just going to take a few minutes to talk about what may be my favorite show on television right now. No, it's not Desperate Housewives or Lost, even though both are on my favorites list on my Tivo, but it is instead the surprising new HBO drama-comedy Unscripted.

For anyone unfamiliar with the show, it follows the lives (and hence careers) of 3 real actors (playing themselves, names, roles and all), and if you didn't know any better you'd think that they were filming a documentary about them. As events unfold, however, it becomes a little more obvious that the plots would be way too concidental and funny were this actually the case. Although there is the occasional comedic set-up, according to the HBO website (http://www.hbo.com/unscripted/about/) there are absolutely no scripted or rehearsed lines in the show, the actors are at times being filmed doing actual auditions and the such, and the other scenes are more like improvisational skits in which the actors are given a basic idea and allowed to choose their dialogue as they see fit, often borrowing from real life experiences. I personally find the proclaimed level of spontenaity a little hard to believe, but no matter how they pull it off, it is absolutely revolutionary.

Two of the three actors are actually fairly recognizable, with the third looking a little like someone you've seen in a cameo role but you can't quite pick them out. You may have seen Bryan Greenberg as one of six students searching for "The Perfect Score" on their SATs, an MTV movie that also features Scarlett Johanson and Darius Miles of the Portland Trailblazers. He has also appeared on some episodes of such well known shows as The Sopranos, One Tree Hill, Law and Order, and Boston Public, among others. He'll likely be even easier to pick out when his new movie (which is a part of the show) featuring Uma Thurman and Meryl Streep comes out sometime in the next year. Krista Allen on the other hand is likely known to the entire population of young men who ever watched late night Cinemax (she played Emanuelle in the erotic late night series). Since that blunder of a career move she's been featured as a pure sex object in many recognizable roles, including "busty woman in elevator" in the Jim Carrey movie "Liar, Liar," and one of the amazingly hot lesbians in the "Anger Management" class led by Jack Nicholson. As she ages she attempts to distance herself from her sensual side of her career, but cannot seem to earn the respect of others in the industry (let me just say, I hope this show gives her some work, as she seems to be absolutely brilliant in it, often outshining Bryan although he is easily the most successful of the three actors). The third is Jennifer Hall, who literally has only a few cameo roles to her credit. The three actors (and several other real life supporting actors) are all enrolled in the same acting class, and are best friends away from their careers, leading to the complex relationships between them all.

If you have HBO or have access to it and have never watched the show, I strongly recommend that you do. If you have some hidden aspiration to sneak off to Hollywood and be an actor, then watch this show, as its whole purpose is to show an accurate portrayal of the real industry from bottom feeding comercial spots to movie roles with A list actors. Most importantly, watch it because it is amazingly entertaining, and features the best of the drama and reality genres as can be possible.

Reality Bites

So, recently in my blog I have tried to mix some blogs that resemble articles into my normal fare of autobiographical stories, and I have received a few compliments on them. In this tradition I've been thinking of a few things I'd like to write about that I think may be interesting or funny, maybe even both (or neither). The article today chronicles my concepts for new reality shows that could turn out to be huge hits. I kinda got my idea to write about this from a recent episode of The Surreal Life in which they actually had a competition to pitch the best ideas to the executives of VH1. I hope you enjoy my ideas. (STRONG NOTE: The following ideas are merely meant for entertainment purposes. Especially the third idea - while mean, is merely a joke brought about by hours of watching TV in my current state of unemployment. Do not take anything said here too seriously)

IDEA 1 - My Big Fat Obnoxious Hobo?

So, how many of you ever saw the classic reality hit My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance? Well, this show takes the concept of actors pretending to be contestants on a reality show to new levels. It's actually very similar to the show who it stole its name from, but with a few very interesting twists.

So, the producers of the show choose a down and out bum off the street and ask him if he's like to be in a reality series. To make things really interesting they'd make sure he's a hardcore drinker and maybe even hardcore drug abuser. He gets wisked away to a giant mansion and is told that he will have to team up with a beautiful woman to fool her parents into believing that they have been dating and are to be married. He is told that her parents believe the show is a ripoff of "A Wedding Story" on TLC, and will merely be an expose on the entire wedding process. All he has to do is make it to the wedding without her family calling the whole thing off and he gets a million dollars and a free bottle of wine every day for a year. Seems simple, right?

Well, this show features everything that makes reality based TV great. First, we have the "makeover" part, where his dirty smelly bum ass is made to seem rich and cultured (oh, did I mention her parents think he's an investment banker from Wall Street?). Then the parents come in, and the hilarity really ensues. One episode features the fiance's drunk uncle trying to sneak coke and liquor to the bum during a family get together, and he's been told doing either will ruin his chances on the show. Another episode features her Dad's friend, who happens to be a real investment banker, golfing with the bum while asking the bum all kinds of work related questions that he can't answer. In another episode, the fiance's hot 18 year old twin cousins try to seduce our lucky bum (keep in mind this bum is so poor he can't afford a $5 hooker). The possibilities are nearly endless!

Along comes the wedding and as the ceremony is coming to a close the father calls the whole thing off, as it turns out the whole time every other person featured on the show are in fact actors paid to make the bum squirm. Unlike the original show however, the bum is never told of his unfair setup, as he is put back on the streets and cannot afford a television to watch the secret unfold.

IDEA 2 - Who's your Diva?

This reality show relies heavily on star power for its premise to work. Well, not real star power, but tabloid celebrity power. The two hosts of the show are Cris Judd (former hubby of that girl from the block, J-Lo) and Kevin Federline (by the time production begins the former hubby of hit me one more time Britney Spears). The premise is as follows...

Cris and Kevin are way bummed by being kicked to the curb by their much more famous wives. They decide to join together and produce a new reality show in which other men get the chance to follow their own dreams of sharing a joint bank account with a pop star. Sixteen of the country's best dancers compete for the right to go on tour with Christina Aguilera, which in turn would certainly lead to banging her, and maybe more! The contestants will be judged on all the qualities that make back-up dancers great (great dancer moves, rhythm, submissiveness, retarded looking goatee, tatoos, and that extremely ghetto look in a white trash body that only pop stars can appreciate).

The two final contestants will have a face to face dance off, and this competition will be no holds barred! In the tradition of stupid reality props the last man standing will be chosen by Christina by putting a giant gold chain around his neck, and the hosts will proclaim, "Now our winner can explore all of Christina's hidden piercings!"

IDEA 3 - Is Love Really Blind?

This show might actually start tomorrow on Fox, who knows. So, basically you have this horrendously ugly girl, like horse face meets the crypt keeper, and she is the prize on a reality dating show. But who would go for a such girl? No, not the rejects of Average Joe, but instead 16 blind guys! The catch is that they are never actually allowed to feel her face during the selection process (hell, they can't even grab her wrist, ah la Ray Charles). To keep people from being disturbed by looking at the ugly girl (think of watching Melissa Rivers for more than 10 minutes) for several episodes the blind men and female host will be extremely attractive.

But anyway, in the end it turns out there is an extreme choice to be made! Once the final guy is chosen the host explains to him that there is a choice. He'll finally be allowed to feel her face, and if he doesn't still want to be with her he'll be given the chance to take 500k. The ugly girl also is given a choice, if her man tells her that he still wants her she has to choose between him and the chance to be the next contestant on the popular show "The Swan." You won't find drama like this on TNT! This final episode may draw the biggest ratings ever.

So, there you have it, the ways that I would change the face (pun intended!) of reality television. If anyone who reads this blog happens to be a network producer, well, know that I'll see you in court if you start production without me. To all the rest of you, good bye for now.

GIGOLO SEEKING EMPLOYMENT

Due to loss of earnings, gigolo seeking part time employment. Tall, thin, and tan. Works only with women, weight restrictions apply at added cost. All races welcome. 2 orafices only. $200/hr.

A quote to remember

This past weekend I joined my father in attending the graduation of his fiance out in Jackson, MI. The ceremony was for the most part not great nor entertaining, as had been my own from the U, but in a rare turn of events the most boring speaker of the entire bunch said something that has stuck with me the past few days, that I will now share with you.

She was the key note speaker, and further details of her long-winded and completely unrelated speech are not needed. Near the end, however, she repeated a quote from some famous author (I think?), and while I am not 100% sure of the wording, I am quite certain of the meaning. My version of the quote is as follows:

"You are not defined by what lies behind you, nor even what lies before you, but instead by what lies within you"

This quote had an impact on me so strong I suddenly awoke from my seat and paid attention for maybe 10 more seconds. No, really, this quote has a deep meaning to me that 99% of the people who know me can barely understand. It could even be what I need to turn things around.

To put it quite simply, I have lost my motivation. I know some of you out there may already say this behind my back, some may even get angry about it, question my intentions, or wonder what's wrong with me. This does not bother me, not at all. Even as the aspects of my life that others hold so dear crumble around me, I do not fret, nor do I take to action. Instead, I wait for my destiny to wisk me away to the promised land. Perhaps this is not a realistic way to lead my life. On the other hand, I may only need a push in the right direction to follow the destiny that I am so sure I have been assigned from birth.

The moral of the story is that the only greatness I will ever achieve must lie within myself. If there is one thing I know about myself, it is that no other person can motivate me. Only I can turn the ignition key. Like a light bulb, I seem to only alternate between burning bright filament and utter darkness, and Goddammit, I am confident that I am about to really flip the fucking switch. I believe that I have waited long enough.

American Idol

I realize that not everybody that actually reads this blog (hell, maybe nobody that reads it) will care one bit to read about this topic, but I would like to talk about my hero. My hero stands at 6 foot 8 inches, and weighs in at about 240 pounds. He has a 45 inch vertical jump and has to duck his head when he dunks to prevent injuring himself. He also happens to be only 20 years old as of December 31st. Some of you may already know whom I'm referring to, but for the rest of you the person I speak of is NBA star LeBron James.

You may be saying "hero?" You may be thinking "you look up to a (recent) teenager?" Well, let me try and explain where my obsession with a basketball player came from and then maybe you won't chastize me too fully.

First off, I guess I shouldn't really call him my hero, because that word doesn't describe what I truly feel. Secondly, it would probably be more appropriate to say I am in awe of him than to ever say I look up to him, hell, he's just a kid. But what he can do with a basketball, not to mention the poise and grace with which he does it, is certainly worth a second look.

Let me start from the beginning. When I was a senior in high school my dad asked me how I'd like to go down to Columbus, Ohio for the weekend to watch the state basketball championships, and I was obviously more than pleased with this proposition. We watched teams large and small with many different styles play their absolute hardest, often times with the greatest glory some of these kids would ever feel in their lives at stake. Then we decided to purchase tickets to the Division III finals as some had said that the seemingly smaller school known as Akron St. Vincent-St. Mary's was actually the best team at the entire tournament. We didn't know anything about them, but we soon found out why they had been rumored so prestigiously.

This team featured the greatest young basketball player I had or maybe will ever see play the game. This freshman star stood at 6'4, lanky and awkwardly built at the time. When the game started he dispelled any question of his ability however. He dazzled the crowd with an array of dunks, three-pointers, and no-look passes to the tune of 25 points, 9 rebounds, and 6 assists, and he was only 15 years old. I made sure to make note of his name, as I was sure someday he would play in college and I could say that I had seen him in the first truly meaningful game of his career. It turned out I was wrong. He ended up never playing a single minute in college.

I returned home and told my friends of what I had witnessed. Two years passed with no additonal knowledge of the phenom other than reading that his team had won the state final when he was a sophomore and lost in a huge upset when he was a junior. He won Mr. Ohio in basketball both years (no player had ever won prior to his senior year before or since). Suddenly hype began to surround this player, and he even made it to the point that he was soon on the cover of Sports Illustrated touted as "The Chosen One." It was even speculated that he may turn pro after his junior year in high school. He however did not.

As his senior year began his life was put under a microscope, and he was the first ever player to have a nationally televised high school basketball game, as ESPN2 garnered its best ratings ever for the telecast. A media machine had been born. Time passed and controversy stirred, but the story eventally caught back up with me when LeBron's team was to play its Regional finals at Savage Hall at the University of Toledo. I had to see him play again in person before he went pro. Mike, Rabbs, and myself made the short trek to Toledo and met up with nearly 15 friends of mine from high school who attended the U to head out to the game together.

What I saw next was the most amazing performance of basketball skill I had ever seen, and that is no hyperbole. To try and describe what he did in written words would certainly be an injustice to the beauty and grace that was his talent. Like Bobby Fischer to chess, LeBron James had taken an endeavor, a mere game to some, and seemingly eliminated the science and theory. What he does on the court can only be described as an art form. A symphony plays in his head, and each and every note is exquisitely written and repeated by ear time and time again.

When I said he never played a minute in college it was because he became the 1st pick of the 2003 NBA draft, to the Cleveland Cavaliers. He won the rookie of the year award at the age of 19, and has set nearly every age based record since. He is playing at a level currently that may give him the league MVP award in only his second season. He has redefined the term phenom.

Now that I have given this seemingly endless history, or rather mythology, as I would choose to call it, I must explain the true content to my wonderment. Truth be told, it is less the fact that the prodigy plays basketball, but more that such a prodigy has the ability to show the world his skills like few before ever have. Simply put, I am a sucker for anything truly extraordinary. If the greatest mathematician in the world could broadcast his infinite vocation in problem solving, I may be equally as enthralled. There are many people in this world that are perhaps the best in the world at their chosen skill, but rarely will anybody else ever know. The fact that LeBron's journey to this peak can be chronicled and criticized every step of the way is truly exciting. He may never reach that peak, but the path he takes will entertain millions nonetheless.

The interesting aspect of his career is that in its infancy, with such unbelievable expectations, it is indeed very possible that he may never reach the level that so many are sure he will. He may tear a ligament in his knee tomorrow and never be the same again. He may simple never improve beyond the current point, or never win a significant game, or have off the court problems that tarnish his career. The exciting part is that I believe he may surpass even the most optimistic prognostications, and reach a level of play hardly imaginable.

Many players' careers are like a trip to the amusement park. You wait and wait for hours to take part in the biggest and best ride, and only then in the briefest of time do you get to appreciate or become discouraged by your patience. Just as Charles Barkley was ushered into the front car he never had time to ride again. David Robinson on the other hand was joined in line by Tim Duncan at the last minute and even got to put his hands up and scream during the biggest fall of the ride. Watching Lebron James is like waiting in line 5 minutes, securing the seat belt, and never having to exit to your left.