Intermission

Ok, I was going to write part two to the story that I began the other day, but instead, there is something that needs to be said. Michigan fans, media, everybody, pretty much suck to me right now. Note, I did not say the team sucks. We all suck. We deserve to all feel sorry for ourselves if we're going to be a bunch of assholes over this. Here's the brief history of how much Michigan fans suck and why we're a dominant football force but not the kind of dominance you see from the best FSU or USC has to offer. This is Scott Seaman's history of why the Michigan football attitude sucks.

With nobody else around to steal his job (sorry Gonzo, you didn't have a pro-style offense arm) and only one reliable wide receiver to throw the ball to (M. Walker), John Navarre hears boos every time he throws an incomplete pass. Every time he comes out for another series. Nothing but boos. Cheers come for Walker when he catches the ball, but under their breath everybody says, "Finally Navarre, you completed a pass." Navarre retreats to throw a screen pass and sees that the defense has it completely smothered, so he harmlessly spikes the ball at the running back's feet to avoid a sack. A retarded fan, well actually about 20,000, turn to their closest friend and marvel out loud at how a Michigan quarterback can miss a guy so badly from 5 yards away. Ignorance is bliss as a Michigan fan. Thanks for the support of the team Michigan fans...you suck.

Michigan starts the season 3-2 in 2003, losing a couple games they had no business losing. Michigan finds themselves down 21 points on the road against Minnesota, and fans everywhere turn their TVs off or tell stories of how they were there but left midway through the third quarter. Thanks for having faith Michigan faithful...we only rattled off 7 straight wins to reach the Rose Bowl that year.

Last year we broke in a freshman quarterback. I myself wrote in this very blog that we could be looking at the first 4 or 5 loss season in nearly a decade. Turns out I was very wrong. I didn't have any faith.

Then we have this year's team. I feel like nobody has even watched a single game, including the media and fans alike. The only person who knows what's going on is named Lloyd Carr. I read stories everywhere about what a terrible team we are. How we have no great players. Our coaching sucks. Our defense has let us down. The fans have lost confidence and won't attend the games from here on out. I don't listen to any of this, because I know a secret.

The secret is that there is only maybe 1 or 2 teams in the entire nation right now with more talent on that field every Saturday (USC, maybe VA Tech, maybe OSU, certainly not Texas - we outmanned them in every aspect last year but one and you know what that was), and that should count for something. As pointed out by Jason Avant when he said "We suck right now," and "potential is a bad word," we haven't done what we should have with our talent. Blame whoever you want, put down Henne, the coaches, Steve Breaston, whoever. All I know for certain is that the two games we lost are in the past. Chad Henne is still a GREAT quarterback, possibly a candidate for the #1 overall pick someday. Steve Breaston WILL make plays when given the chance. The defense has been absolutely AMAZING in my eyes since the first drive of the Notre Dame game, shutting down teams (when not left on the field for an entire half - see the Wisc game). Mike Hart WILL return and spark the offense. Mario Manningham will be an ALL-AMERICAN before his career is over. The media seems to think that these players magically lost their talent when an L showed up in the result column. They still exist, as does their strength, speed, and ability. The media has ignored the most important and obvious fact of all: We are MICHIGAN! We will beat MSU. We will likely win every game from here on out the rest of the season. Why? Because we're the best team. Maybe this will all be false and everybody can come back later and call me out. Oh well. At least I believe in my team. At least I have graduated from being a Shitty Michigan fan.

Trying to keep up with the times

As anyone who frequently reads the blog knows, I have been attempting to keep the blog fresh and new while still delivering on old topics promised in blogs from long ago. I know in my heart that the two remaining topics that I really need to mention - how I came about my housing situation and why I had to call my manager to say I'd be late due to drunkenness - are entertaining but overtold and boring for me to write about. I still fully intend to get to them, but not today.

The housing story especially is long and drawn out over several days and includes several vital elements to fully make sense, so I will wait until another time when it's not after midnight to start on that one. Something kinda crazy happened this past weekend also (another promised blog no doubt), but again, there is something I would prefer to do - write on a topic given to me on my new policy. Now, in all reality there has only been one submission (my roommate Tasos wants a story about how some girl he hooked up with ended up being crazy), but I may already have too much information on what actually happened to write about that specifically, so I decided to be especially creative and use what I have received most frequently the past few weeks - comments from bots - as my inspiration. Here is a true story about someone I know involving bots, so please enjoy. Oh, if you don't know what a bot is, it's any kind of screenname that doesn't actually belong to a person, but rather a computer programmed entity that is basically told to message anyone it can about some kind of offer or promotion. An example of course would be the bots that have commented on my blogs; another would be how on many chat programs/rooms of any kind it's common to log on and immediately get messages like...well, I'll let the story explain that part.

Well, where do I begin. I guess I should immediately establish that this story didn't happen to me directly, but rather an old friend that used to live by me in the dorms. Also, names may have been changed to protect the innocent, as this story could potentially be embarassing I suppose. Alright, enough intro, to the story I go.

Jared was sitting at his computer at about 11 PM on a Saturday night wondering what to look up next. He was often frustrated by his inability to find more than 3 or 4 websites to keep him entertained at a time, as sites like espn.com could only keep his interest for so long. An alternative always existed in sites like collegehumor.com, but whenever he went there he ended up playing some ridiculous flash game linked on the front page for hours at a time, not to mention that the content of the site often led him to search for keywords like webshots or nudity in hopes of securing a softcore pic of a real amatuer college chick. To put it quite frankly, he felt pathetic when looking at the site.

He continued to look inward for the answer when something right in front of his face jumped off of the screen at him. He often used "my yahoo" as a favorite place to start as it included one of his many email links as well as those funny news bulletins that run along the side of the page. There under the plentiful list of yahoo subdivisions he saw something that he hadn't really tried since back in the days of MIRC when he had a dial-up connection: online chat groups.

As quickly as the idea seemed great he suddenly remembered why he never used them. Most rooms were full of 3 things - clicky people that only talk to each other, bots with cute female names like mandyhotcakes37, and other lonely dudes like himself dreaming of the day they can find a cyber whore (more than likely dude pretending to be a chick) to talk them through a cyber hand-job. Alas, Jared had absolutely nothing else to do, so he dove right in and created a user account in a flash. He chose a manly enough that he was sure would not be mistaken for an aforementioned cyber-whore. After deciding to use the single 20 somethings dating room, BigGunsJared7 was ready for action.

As expected, upon arrival to the room he almost instantaneously received 2 messages from skany sounding names telling him to use the given link to see each respective girl in the shower (or whatever). Being bored he clicked the one link and a couple pop-ups featuring spread-eagle blondes eluded his blocker so he quickly closed all the windows and swore not to make the same mistake twice. Once he got back to the chat room he already has some dude asking him asl (age sex location for those ignorant readers out there) in a private chat window, and he simply wrote back...

BigGunsJared7: Read my name. Do you think I'm a girl? Did you even look at my name?

The guy quickly replied with a sorry and the chat window closed. This was why he didn't use these things. Jared decided to rebound by private chatting a few promising female names but he got no replies. Suddenly he heard a knock on his dorm room door. He was certain his roommate was to be gobe until late Sunday night, so it must have been someone from the hall. He hesitated for a second and contemplated shutting down the window with the chat room, but realized he would have to go back and sign back in all over again, and his hesitation was about to reach the "I was just beating off go away" kind of pause, so he yelled for the person to come on in.

It was this guy Andrew from down the hall, pretty cool but really obnoxious when in a crowd, always trying to impress everybody by being a huge ass toward all the other guys. He walked in and asked Jared if he could borrow he vacuum cleaner. Jared said sure as long as he brought it back the next day. In order to get to the vacuum Andrew had to walk between the back of Jared's desk and a dresser, putting Andrew right in plain view of Jared's screen. Not wanting to be suspicous, Jared just kept on using the chat service like nothing had happened at all. Andrew grabbed the vacuum and squeezed back out thanking Jared and assuring him it would be back by the next morning. As soon as he got out the door Jared let out a huge sigh of relief. It shouldn't be so embarassing, but stuff like that always is for some reason.

After the vacuum incident he went back to trying private chats for a few minutes before he finally gave up that approach for good. Next he tried messaging in the huge public chat window, but only the most hardcore users were getting any responses. He was about ready to give up on the whole idea when he got yet another bot message in a private chat window. It read...

cutiepieUP23: Are you bored? Looking for a girl? Want to have some fun?

Jared had seen one of these before. He assumed it was a bot because who actually starts a conversation like that, but his assumption was also aided by the fact that many bots begin like this, with a series of questions to make some unsuspecting guy believe he hit the jackpot only to reveal their true nature - they give out the web address only when a reply is given to the initial response. Jared was beginning to wonder how anybody at all could use these retarded sites. He decided to give the bot a response out of frustration that read...

BigGunsJared7: Yeah, I am bored, and yeah, I wouldn't mind a girl, but since you're a fucking computer program I seriously doubt you will be able to help me get it up very well so fuck off

cutiepieUP23: wtf are you talking about? Sorry to have bothered you

Jared stared at the screen. Huh? Was that a real person? He changed gears to the defensive and replied with...

BigGunsJared7: Wow, I'm really sorry. I thought you were another program trying to sell me sex sites. I hope you aren't mad, I just want someone to talk to also.

cutiepieUP23: lol! I've never actually used this thing before, I didn't realize that. But about selling sex...lol maybe I could do that anyway...

Again, Jared stared at the screen. Was there a leprechaun in the room, cause he had just struck gold! To make a long story short, a very flirtacious conversation ensued. He discovered that the UP in her name (her real one was Amanda by the way) stood for upper peninsula, and she was a sophomore at MSU. It all seemed a little coincidental that a girl from only an hour away was in the same chat room of an international site, but it was also pretty random that a girl actually messaged him on her own in the first place.

After some discussion it was decided that they should each give their AIM names to each other, as the program was far superior to yahoo's 20th century format. Jared also felt more comfortable with someone walking in on an AIM conversation as they were completely common place in a college dorm room. Upon further banter, Jared was beginning to think he was in love, or lust at the very least.

It was approaching 2 AM when he heard another faint knock at the door. Jared quickly responded with a 'come on in' and it was Andrew again, with the vacuum. He explained that he hadn't gone out that night and didn't see any reason to wait until the next day to return the vacuum if Jared was up. Amanda sent Jared a really dirty message at this point, and Andrew again seemed to look at the screen, but said nothing. When he once again left the room Jared was almost certain he could see a smirk on Andrew's face. Oh well, who cares if he read it, he would just say it was some ex girlfriend if anybody ever asked. By 4 AM Jared was getting especially tired and told Amanda he was looking forward to IMing her again the next day. She seemed more than willing to comply, and they finally ended their marathon of cyber chatter. Only an hour away Jared thought. The next thought in his mind was along the lines of how do I ask her for a picture of herself when I talk to her next...

To Be Continued...

Hope you all enjoyed the suspense built up by part one of "The Bot." If you want your own story in print, give a suggestion. I'll come back with part 2 the next chance I get. Later.

Promised blogs

I hate to break a promise, and the content I claim will show up in my blog is no exception. While I will try my best to include snippets of all the stories that I have mentioned in the past, I however will not promise to give detailed descriptions of what happened and why in all cases. Let the catch up blogging begin.

So, about a month before I moved out of my oh so nice compared to campus apartment at Arbor Landings we ended up having a 2 AM pool party. The entire night was actually quite unexpected, as my going out at all that evening was the result of me calling Kevin after working late because I had heard that some of his friends (all of whom I have partied with on numerous occasions) were in town and might be in the area of Dollar Bill. My intentions as explained on the phone were to show up for a minute at their current location (Charlie's) then head home to get some much needed rest. Upon showing up I was ordered to take a shot by some of Kevin's friends and that led to me losing all resistance and agreeing to drink the rest of the evening.

Some girl that knew this one guy Nick showed up just as we were about to head over to Rick's with a few of her friends. The aforementioned friend girl was decently cute but nothing to write home about, and the other two were quite sub-standard. Most worth mentioning was the fact that the one girl instantly struck me as being a lesbian, as I had never quite seen a girl in the outfit that she chose that evening. She was wearing what appeared to be men's jeans with a green and pink striped polo shirt - with the collar popped up...what does this mean on a girl? Well, I can't say for sure, but it just didn't quite look right. Regardless, we all headed out to a relatively empty Rick's (as it was only 11 PM at the time during the summer) and took our place at one of the tables located on the dance floor over by the bathroom hall.

To skip ahead and make what could be a long and arduous story much shorter let me just comment that I was much more sober than Kevin's friends. They immediately hit the (empty) dance floor and started to bust a move while I remained seated, a move that all but ensured I would have to engage in conversation with these girls I had never met before. They all seemed nice enough as they allowed me to have a beer or two from their pitchers, and before we knew it it was getting rather late. A few obligatory dances later and everybody was ready to go. In typical fashion Kevin's friends decided we needed to invite some ladies back to enjoy our pool and sauna (the hot tub was broken), and the 2 AM pool party was born. The girls I had sat with much of the night requested my phone number in case the directions I gave proved to be difficult, and Nick called just about anyone he knew in Ann Arbor to come out and enjoy the festivities. It was shaping up to be an interesting night afterall.

Skipping ahead best as possible again at least 15 people ended up at the pool within the next half hour. The ratio wasn't even that bad, with about 8 guys to 7 girls. Unfortunately only about 3 of the girls were of enviable quality, and all 3 to some extent were spoken for. This left me to further entertain sub-standard girls 1 and 2, which wasn't particularly painful, just fruitless in my mind. After literally hours of somehow uninterrupted (we were being incredibly loud) mayhem the party wound down at about 4:30 AM. One of the sub-standard girls made a comment about wanting to come out to our pool some time to tan or something, and not being a complete asshole I agreed, thinking in my mind that this would never really come up. Finally, everybody left and the craziness was over...or was it?

So a few days pass and low and behold I'm at work a couple days later in the afternoon and I receive an unknown phone call. I answer out of curiosty and it was the sub-standard girl, only she wasn't calling to use the pool. She had only spoken to me briefly and didn't really know me, but she should have been perceptive enough to figure out that I had no interest in her whatsoever; alas, she was calling me to invite me to a Tigers game that night as a lead-in the slightly cute friend's birthday party later that night. I scrambled to come up with an excuse and managed to convince her that I would be working late that night. I ended the conversation as quickly as possible and let out a huge sigh of relief to get her off the phone. I obviously programmed in the number to prevent future calls from piercing my awkwardness alert security, but she never called back. Thank God is all I have to say about that. Does anyone else think that's a little weird, asking a dude out to such a personal event (birthday celebration of person you don't know at all) like two days later when there was no indication of any interest, especially if you were of way sub-standard attractiveness? Yeah, yeah, yeah, this blog comes off as being vain/superficial/materialistic or whatever, but what it really is is honest. I don't like to sugar coat this shit, it is what it is.

Another thing I mentioned a little while back was that I went on another canoeing trip with some friends from high school. While there was rampant drunkenness and some funny moments, the trip occurred a long time ago and was not particulary eventful by my standards, so I think I may have to let it rest mostly unmentioned. The only thing that really comes to mind when thinking about it was how I got everyone so hungry for Big Ten Burrito during the trip that all 8 of us filled the same table I passed out on once before to enjoy a giant BTB feast after the trip, despite being in swim trunks, covered in mud, and smelling of beer. I felt like a proud poppa when everybody agreed it was the best valued burrito they had ever had.

Moving on once again, I'm going to keep mentioning this idea I proposed last blog until everybody that sporadically reads this thing gets completely caught up on my plan. I requested that anyone who reads this comments and gives me a topic, phrase, item, place, event, whatever, with which I will attempt to write an interesting story. The story could be funny, weird, sad, exciting, whatever I feel works best, but it will most likely only partially draw from real life events. This is a golden opportunity for all of you out there to have some real input on what goes into the blog. I want to do this as a challenge to keep me writing and test my creative writing ability. Please help me out. I may even try to put a real story and a fictional one up in the same post and see if people can pick out the real life story. We'll just have to see how participation goes, and how much time I have to write these stories. I'm not sure what length I would make them even, but we'll see.

Lastly, I'm finally catching up a little bit on my blogging, but I still haven't written about being a landlord or calling off work a little while due to a crazy night of drinking or any number of things that have happened the past couple weeks. I will keep on truckin' though. I'll get back to all of you again soon. Adios.

Very very late

So, it's late at night, and I have all day tomorrow to write as many blogs as I have to, but I feel the need to mention a few things right now while I still have them fresh in mind. I will only say one little thing about Michigan's football team, and this will hopefully be the last I ever have to say about them. This same time last year I wrote a blog saying how we were going to be the most average Michigan team in 20 years and be lucky to go over .500 in the Big Ten etc. etc. and we all know how that turned out. All I can say is support your team and things will turn out. If they don't, oh well, I'm not exactly eligible for the NFL Draft personally, my own life will have to go on irregardless of our success.

What really sparked me to write this blog was an article I just saw on Yahoo.com's little news blurps. It was about how some lady who had somehow convinced herself that there is no medical link between HIV and AIDS, and how she was so convinced that despite being HIV positive herself she did not have her children tested. Well, surprise surprise, her poor little 3 year old daughter just died of AIDS pneumonia this past week. According to this lady she thinks the coroner's findings are incorrect. Gotta love when people live in denial. While it is very very saddening to hear that anything so terrible could have happened to a young child it is even more disturbing to find out that this woman wasn't just some random ignorant woman, but a supposed expert in the field of being a medical idiot. The news article claims that she has written a book describing her views on the nature of AIDS that has already sold 50,000 copies. That is the truly sad development in all this. More people's children will die because this woman has offered a completely ridiculous viewpoint that some crazies out there somewhere will latch onto and follow with cult-like precision. How could this woman come to this conclusion? How much evidence does it take for a person to admit that they're wrong.

I'm sure without ever having read or heard (she has appeared on numerous talk-shows as well as 20/20) a word she's had to say on the topic that much of her scientific reasoning is based on some 1% of AIDS cases that can't be explained in the traditional sense. It's a little bit like the people that want to discredit evolution - among millions of species and specific examples that show how evolution works the 5 species out there they can't figure out are the backbone for the belief that God is still in the kitchen cooking up some new recipes. It's just not a great scientific method. Exceptions to most rules usually end up being explained away when more data is available. Unless something dramatic occurs very soon, I fear that the bible will offer us very little new insight on creationism, and the only data to add more evidence against this lady's bullshit cause will be when her 7 year old son dies like his younger sister. What a sad sad world we live in somtimes.

Alright, I hope to have something a little more chipper to write about tomorrow...actually, I know I will. I must say though, I am very disappointed in the comment drought since I came back. When I wasn't even posting anything I was getting like 3 comments a blog and now that I'm back all I've earned has been a spam reply and a note from Julie and Brynne proclaiming that I am completely random. Keep 'em coming people. In fact, I think that right now is as good a time as any to drop a little idea I've been brewing (now is good because this blog isn't too long to keep everyone away from reading it). I want to try an experiment. I want people to officially comment to me on this site with a very very broad topic they want a story about. Like maybe just say "people go fishing" or "a girl has her purse stolen," write just about anything at all. I'll take your topic and turn it into a story, a story which may or may not be completely fictional depending on the relevance to my actual life. I love coming up with stories even more than I love reporting them to my friends, so please participate in this exercise. I can't say for sure if all responses will be written about, or how quickly a response will come, but I would enjoy the challenge. Thank you all very much. Have a great day.

Watched a few movie trailers...

I would have liked to have written another full blog today but I am unfortunately running a little low on time. I did however just watch some movie trailers on Yahoo movies and would like to share some thought on what I think I will and will not be looking forward to seeing.

Let's start with the movies that I would not be particularly excited to go see. The first is a new horror slasher movie called Hellbent. I clicked to watch the trailer just for the hell of it (no pun intended) and about halfway through began to think that something was seriously amiss. The film seems to follow these 4 or 5 attractive guys around an awful lot, and some psycho killer is on the loose on Holloween or something, I don't remember or care to watch it again to find out. Anyway, the trailer starts getting a little weird when numerous cut scenes of these guys sneaking off to secluded rooms to make out start popping up. I figure this is an anomoly until it happens again and again, not to mention cut scenes from some huge drag queen party get thrown in. I finally have seen enough and look at the movie's description only to find out that it is the first ever all-gay slasher film. Ok, I'm not particularly homophobic or anything, but you couldn't pay me to go see that. Additionally, what was the studio thinking? Horror films are getting eaten alive at the box office lately, what makes them think an all-gay one would fare any better. Who knows...

Surprisingly another film I checked out also had an even more surprisingly gay twist. It's called Brokedown Mountain, and features Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllanthal as "secret friends" as the trailer pronounces. It shows them riding around on horses and fishing a lot, claiming they formed a bond that would last forever. I'm like alright, where is this going? Then the trailer jumps to scenes of them getting married and having kids (with two respective girls, not each other) and I'm still like where is this going. Then the trailer jumps to them arguing with their wives over where they're going and what's the deal with your secret friendship kinda stuff. Simply watching the trailer there is really no way to prove that these dudes are closet homos running off to bone on some mountain top or just really really clingy affectionate guy friends. The plot didn't look that exciting anyway, but really, what the hell?

One movie that did look rather intriguing was called Everything is Illuminated, featuring Elijah Wood. It looks extemely weird, but entertaining. To save everyone some time I suggest that you just go check out the trailer if you're interested. The last film I saw that seemed like a potential visit to the State Theater (as it would never play anywhere else) was called Thumbsucker. It's about some teenage kid with a thumbsucking problem who is hypnotized to cure his socially limiting condition, only to find that the stresses involved in being "normal" may be worse than being a spectator from the not-so-normal side. The reviews claimed it to be decent but too reminiscent of other indi films like American Beauty, but it looks like a good watch. The cast is nothing short of surprising also, with smaller roles coming from Vince Vaughn, Keanu Reeves, Benjamin Bratt, and Vincent D'Onofrio. I hope to check it out when it arrives in Ann Arbor. Alrighty, time to take a shower. Hope to get back to you all later tonight with more blogging.

Looking through some old blogs...

It's amazing to me the things that I have promised to write blogs about in the past. I did kinda promise to fulfill my duty of writing about all these topics, but instead I'm going to attempt to jot down just enough about them to keep them interesting while not going overboard. Don't get me wrong, some of the stories are pretty classic, but having happened so long ago I either don't fully remember what I wanted to say, no longer care about what I wanted to say, or have told the stories so many times orally that I am sick of even thinking about what I wanted to say. I will however try my best to satisfy my most loyal readers.

One topic I wanted to get out of the way immediately is a recent remark about the movies that I've seen since I last blogged significantly. One was the 40 Year Old Virgin, as mentioned in a very recent blog, and the other was Million Dollar Baby, the big winner at this year's Oscars. I'll start with Million Dollar Baby.

Overall, I left the movie satisfied that I hadn't been cheated out of my no more late fees Blockbuster Video rental fee. The film unquestionably does some things very right, but what I'm most concerned about in this blog is pointing out the flaws. A very blatant one appears only moments into the film when Hilary Swank's character approaches Clint Eastwood to ask him to train her. Here's the problem: she claims to have been the undercard on the fight that was just won by Clint's prized fighter, a fighter whose next fight would be for the world championship in whatever weight class he belonged to. That's a pretty damn important fight I'd say, yet she got the gig without any training, management, or connections in the boxing world? Seriously, how could this have happened? You may be saying, "Well, you don't know the deal, maybe that's not that rare," etc etc, but the rest of the movie basically makes it clear that this scenario is completely absurd without any need for background information. It does this by showing that she had no basic boxing knowledge, had never even spoken to any form of management, and most convincingly makes a big deal when she's the undercard for some lame European fighter's championship defense somewhere overseas. How was that fight so much harder to get than the aforementioned huge America fight that led off the film? It makes absolutely zero sense. I challenge anybody to offer me a reasonable explanation.

There are several other issues with the film that also require brief mention in relation to realism. For one, how does a gym with such a reputation look like such total shit, with one old dude as the only visible employee, with several jokes relating to their inability to collect dues from their many fighters. This ain't Rocky anymore, I watch highlights of championship boxers training on ESPN when a big fight is previewed - it looks like they're in a Bally's or something with nice equipment and clean white walls and everything. Also, without being too much of a spoiler (if you want to avoid the spoiler entirely because you plan to watch the film later skip ahead), how does he conveniently sneak drugs into her little community (hospital? who knows) late at night without so much as a security guard checking him at the door. Lastly, how on Earth could she have lost the championship fight when the dumb bitch blantantly broke the rules on video tape? If Tyson pulled that shit he would have lost his liscense in every state and probably also be in prison. Makes no sense...

The last issue I have with the movie being so hailed with awards is the fact that although they work on many levels and have very distinguishable characteristics...hate to say it, the characters in the film for the most part are just over the top and formulaic. The skinny white kid from Texas for instance, I compare his relevance to the film to that of Jar Jar Binks in Episode 1. Jar Jar was advertised to the public as a simple ploy for comedic relief, and was eventually hated for this role, while this guy in MDB is similarly annoying and competely out of place. Also, the mother of Swank's character is so beyond trailer trashy bitchy that it's just not believeable at all. Every time her character was on screen I was just like give me a break. Lastly, this black championship fighter she takes on with the late blows after the bell and tough rep is just ludicrous. Aspects of the movie are comparable to the thought put into a cartoon. All of the things mentioned above were huge disappoints to me.

Moving on to 40YOV, what a great comedy to go see in the theater. I loved it because while there were obviously numerous out of control moments, they never seemed completely out of the realm of reality, unlike the Wedding Crashers. The true beauty of the movie was that while the plot alone allowed for endless comedy from the entire excellent cast it didn't account for the completely random side stories that would evolve from a scene out of nowhere. There were many occasions where the scene seemed over and then a joke would come out of nowhere with no relevance to the film whatsoever, but they worked time and time again. I must say that I hope that this film leads to more Steve Carell on the big screen.

Alright, as is always my sign off "that blog went on a little longer than I had planned." You should feel honored that I spent that time for all of you. I think my next blog will start off with the 2 AM pool party from about a month ago, but only the resolution that gave me a few laughs. I might try to squeeze in something about going on a friendly canoeing trip, but that may be lost from the blog's content list forever. Ok, hope to hear from y'all soon.

ADAM COLE BECOMES A MAN – AGAIN

So, Adam Cole just recently had his 23^rd b-day. I say that he has become a man again because I always tell him that the fact that he has to shave now makes him a man, so turning 23 must make him a man too. At any rate, the birthday itself wasn’t that much to get excited about, but something that Adam left out of the birthday preparation was startling to say the least, and that is the topic of this short, sweet, to the point blog.

The actual events of Adam’s birthday included him beating me at darts (a surprise to myself to say the least, no less with a drunk Coleminator), Adam being crazy drunk, and having to see some very odd people from both Adam and I’s past. No reason to elaborate on that though. What threw me for a loop occurred at the Mongolian BBQ in Adam’s native country 0f Sterling Heights. He tells me that this girl about our age from his work is coming to meet us and says that she is very nice. I think ok, whatever, sounds fine to me. Fine didn’t even begin to describe this girl – she walks in to the table sporting at worst an 8.5 hotness rating. She may have been in the 9’s. She was tall, thin, very tan, had dark wavy hair, and was generally speaking hot. The baffling thing was the fact that I was not prepared for this development. What man would leave out this amazingly important detail? Adam is the only dude I know that would keep me guessing like that. That would be the first thing I’d have told him. It would have been like this coming from me, “So this girl from my work is going out with us. She is fucking hot! Wait till you see how hot she is.”

On second thought, Adam, you may have to become a man all over again. Better go get your razor.

Editor’s note: with my virtually nonexistent ability to charm girls anymore I obviously came up way short on any attempts to impress this 9.0 of a girl. I don’t think I scared her or anything, but she wasn’t exactly asking for my number at the end of the night.

I AM BACK!!!

FUCK COMCAST

So, my unusually long absence from the information highway can be attributed to one force and one force alone – the evil empire that is Comcast. Just when you get all excited about their on demand and free HBO for 6 months they have to go fuck shit up with their terrible customer service. I don’t want to go into this for an extended period of time as there are much more fun and interesting things to write about, but here is the brief synopsis of why it is that I haven’t put up a real post on this site in weeks. Comcast was scheduled to come out to our place the first day we were all moving shit in. They show up (this is all second hand, I was gone at the time) and claim that we have some kind of lock on the lines (how could we, someone just moved out a few days earlier?) and they need a truck to come out with the necessary equipment to get things going. This was roughly two weeks ago. The reason they haven’t shown up…nobody actually knows. Jim (new roommate) calls them every day and every day they act either confused, defensive, deceptive, or downright annoyingly helpful (seeing as their claims to help us out never become anything). They say every day that they’ll call back with more information – never have. It’s fucking bullshit.

I’m finally posting this because after weeks of negotiations I finally got them to agree to come out here again and it turns out that the first guy didn’t know what he was talking about, everything was pretty much ready to go from the beginning. The guy who fixed our place up wasn’t even a regular Comcast employee, but a guy who’s contracted out, and the first thing he says to me when he gets let in the door was “I fucking hate Comcast, they are the most disorganized company in the world.” I second that notion. Ok, enough on that.

I’ve been writing some of these entries on Microsoft Word in anticipation of the day that I can actually post them on the internet. Since I can’t view my old entries I have to dig deep into my memory to reclaim the list of topics that I had promised to touch on in my previous blogs. A few stick out like a white person chillin in New Orleans right now, so I’ll go with those first and fill in the blanks later. Starting with stories from awhile ago, let the blogs begin.

HIGH SCHOOL REUNION…In the form of a wedding

So, it seems that the only way I can be assured at seeing multiple people from high school at the same time these days is to attend one of their weddings. It just so happens that a few weeks ago my good friend from high school who I never actually talk to anymore got married, and I was lucky enough to be invited. Oddly enough, I have attended two bachelor parties for guys I hung out with in high school the past few months, but was only invited to one of the weddings. As I’m preparing what to say about the wedding in my mind before it gets committed to the page I realize that with my standards of non-diary like entries I can’t really go nearly as in depth into what I want to say as I should. The reality of the situation is that I know a lot of people from home have some kind of connection this site, and anything I say about someone in particular would easily get back to them. The diary writer on one of these would gladly write something like,

“So I saw my old ex Sarah from high school at my friend Adam’s wedding this past weekend, and I realized that I still loved her. I tried to talk to her but she said that she was through talking to me and that the relationship was over when I started looking through her cell phone bills to determine if she was fucking Billy. Although she never actually went through getting the restraining order against me after the time I tried hooking up the video camera outside her bedroom window, she said that I should pretty much abide by her terms. Even though I still love her so much, I remembered what a controlling bitch she was. Thinking about has made me choose my Coldplay playlist on winamp today. I know Suzy still reads this so tell Sarah how I feel and tell her that I still masturbate to the image of her head bobbing to the rhythm of my favorite Tupac song. I just love her so much!”

So anyway, I don’t really have that much unresolved shit with people from high school anyway, I just don’t want to get myself into a precarious situation where I make someone feel uncomfortable. Also, does anybody out there know anyone who writes stuff like that in their blog/journals? It’s fucking creepy, isn’t it? If you do drop me a comment on it with the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever read (I anticipate 0% participation). I remember the best I ever read was when Adam first joined livejournal.com, but it wasn’t one of his entries. I must say, some of Adam’s entries got a little too intense to have been something posted on this blog, but he’s nothing compared to these two other journals I read. I’m getting on a little bit of a tangent, but I’m going to run with it. Those of you who bitch that my blogs are too long, I’ve got a suggestion – print the fucking thing out and take it to the john to take a shit because I’m going to keep writing long blogs as long as I damn well please. Now that that’s been resolved, let me get on to the too intense for friendly reading livejournals.

The first was some random black girl’s which I came across while searching by weird usernames. I must have put something sexual in or something because that’s the kind of thing I would have done. I start reading her entries and the basic jist (that word seems like it should be some sound or secretion a person makes during sex) of the journal is how she has a huge crush on this one brotha who periodically fucks her, but they can’t ever get serious with each other because they’re both huge sluts. I was pretty confident that this was a real journal and not some joke because this girl had like 10 completely boring entries about going to the store and talking to friends intertwined into her perverse sexual escapades. Anyway, the best ever entry was one full of arguably the most disturbingly odd form of jealousy ever. So this girl and her crush get involved in a threesome with some friend of the girl. Having fucked this other slut a bunch of times the guy naturally takes more of an interest to the fresh meat his bitch just brought to market. The girl details in her blog how envious she got while watching him pound away at her friend doggy style. Apparently the threesome ended in awkwardness followed by an argument between the three that led to the end of the two girls’ friendship. While this story doesn’t sound too unbelievable at all, it is hard to imagine that anybody would share this information with the not so anonymous internet crowd. Go figure.

The other funny blog that I came across was from some random girl I had on my AIM list who I had no idea who she was. I clicked on the link and started reading a long drawn out story of how she basically stalks this guy she works with and how they cuddle occasionally and fuck other times but he won’t commit. At one point they become a couple, and she attends a party at his house (on Linden St. in Ann Arbor of all places). She’s upset at him for something and starts dancing with one of his roommates to make him jealous. He gets mad at her and yells at her and she retaliates by making out with the roommate. She and the roommate then go upstairs and she gives him a blow job. She feels guilty but also taken advantage of afterwards and admits it to her supposed boyfriend. According to her journal his response was for himself and all his other roommates to beat this guy up and throw him out of the house. I believe within a few entries this couple was over again.

My personal thought on this journal is what a dumb bitch. As a guy who has been extremely drunk before I find it hard to imagine myself being the bad guy in a situation where a drunk girl comes onto me to piss off her boyfriend – you just have no ability to distinguish the moral implications to offered up sexual encounters. It’s different when you pursue, as you are constantly rationalizing and scheming on your next move, but voluntary submission is another concept entirely. I don’t know the whole story, but even if he knew who this girl was he probably figured she was a whore from her all too public livejournal in which she details being a huge slut with sexual details and emotional attachments included for anyone with an internet connection to read anyway. Even if he was wrong, he wasn’t as wrong as the girl who blew him. I doubt she volunteered to untie his shoes and slipped her mouth onto his cock – in reality I bet it was just an extension of her childish ploy to make her boyfriend livid. Silly girls.

Ok, now that I got that out of my system, what was this blog about again? I seriously just scrolled up to confirm that I’m writing about my friend Alan’s wedding. Just thinking about it makes me want to tell stories about how I had physics class with his wife and we all picked on her because she was so gullible, but I will digress until another date.

BACK TO THE WEDDING

The highlight of the evening came pretty late when the party was comprised of 90% 20-somethings line dancing and forming dance circles and the like – typical wedding fare. Without going into too much detail, this girl comes up to me whom I always knew in high school by name, but had never really talked to before. As much as people have the right to kid me for being some kind of hick, this girl’s name takes the cake: Amy Jo. Not Amy, not Jo, not even AJ, but Amy Jo. Anyway, Amy Jo had made a change for the better since high school and actually looked pretty good. The thing most people remember this girl for was being extremely prissy, but even more so for the student group she attempted to create following the Columbine incident. It was called SAVE – Students Against Violence in their Environments. I don’t actually know if it ever came to fruition, but it was the topic of some mocking conversation at the time. Oh, I just remembered something else, I feel like she didn’t get accepted into the gifted program at some point and her mother sued the school or something. This picture of a goody-goody momma’s girl was shattered however early in the night when I talked to some people she still kept in touch with. Turns out she went to Ohio State for college and became the go-to fuck buddy for all the guys from my high school (Evergreen) who went there also. She eventually worked her way up to the football team with her biggest claim to fame being several romps with famous OSU bad boy Maurice Clarrett. While I can’t confirm these rumors, we’ll take them all to be true for our purposes here.

Anyway, late in the night I’m out on the dance floor busting a move when she just walks right up to me and starts grinding on me. She leans in and says, “Didn’t you go to Michigan?” I must admit that I was surprised that she knew anything about me at all, but being that she was an OSU student there may have been ample reason for her to know this information. Sure enough, as a conversation of sorts breaks out the topics start to lean to how badly OSU is gonna beat us this year and how badly we suck etc etc. After some of this useless trash talking she finally admits that the only reason she didn’t go to Michigan is because she didn’t get in, she even went up to the campus for a tour and everything. She then tries to explain to me that OSU has raised their academic standards tremendously the past couple years and they are now harder to get into than Michigan. Uh…yeah right.

To make a long and boring story shorter she asks me for my phone number at the end of the night, while insisting that I also take hers. I get her number no problem, but she catches me a little off guard when I take a glance at her phone as she programs my number – turns out my name has been changed to none other than Steve Seaman. After a brief pause to determine if I should even say anything I decide to interject on her key pushing by asking her what my name is. To be quite honest, the whole Steve for Scott switcharoo is a pretty common problem for me, especially since my friend from high school Steve is about my height and build, but it was that much funnier because Steve was standing right beside her when she made the error, and we all had a good laugh over it. I didn’t care anyway, in a very lame way I can now claim to have been hit on by a girl from both of our biggest rivals, and I was proud to represent my university. All right, this is going on about page 37 now, so I’m just gonna quit and let everyone rest before reading the next blog. Peace out.

Forever sorry

Again, another disappointing post to simple state that I still don't have the internet. The second I get it I will make sure to update on each and every thing I have alluded to in the past few weeks, plus some. I plan to make some new memories here in the next few days so please bear with me. Hope to get back to you all soon. Hopefully the wait will be worth it. Bye for now.